JFS Family Matters
Drowning in Davidson County
Dear JFS,
I am concerned about my husband’s drinking. We have been married for over 10 years. He always drank and I never thought much about it but lately I have been growing more concerned. He drinks every day and I know this cannot be good for his health. Whenever I bring it up, he tells me that a few drinks are good for your health and that he goes to work every day. If I press the issue, he gets angry. I don’t like the example he sets for our kids and I am embarrassed sometimes about how he acts at parties or bar mitzvahs. Am I being too sensitive?
Drowning in Davidson County
Dear Drowning,
Your husband’s drinking seems to be a major concern for you. It is hard to tell from what you have described how serious the problem may be, or if there is a problem at all. Many people in our society drink. And there is evidence a drink per day has some health benefits. But more drinking is not necessarily better. Some people have a problem which can be very severe, impacting the entire family. So how do you tell if you should be concerned?
Experts in the diagnosis and treatment of alcoholism agree that the amount and frequency of drinking is less important than the effects that the drinking has upon the individual. Some symptoms of a problem with alcohol include tolerance: needing an increased amount to achieve the desired effect, withdrawal: sweating, shaking, nausea, insomnia, or DT’s when alcohol is unavailable, legal problems such as DUI or alcohol related arrests, or a failure to fulfill major role obligations such as excessive absenteeism at work or neglect of children or family obligations at home. Drinking to get drunk and having black outs where you cannot remember what happened the night before are also possible indicators of a problem.
Five to ten percent of the US population is thought to have a problem with alcohol. Some people believe that the Jewish community is immune from alcoholism but this is not the case. According to JACS, (Jewish Alcoholics, Chemically Dependent Persons and Significant Others), Jews of all denominations and backgrounds are as vulnerable to alcohol and drug abuse as anyone else.
It is impossible to tell for sure if your husband is having a problem with alcohol without a professional assessment, something he may be unwilling to do. But will he have an honest discussion with you? Is he willing to explore the relationship he is having with alcohol with a trusted friend, a rabbi, or a counselor. If not, you might want to seek support yourself. JACS (615) 352-7620 and Al-Anon (615) 385-4404 as well as the staff of JFS are available.
When two spouses do not see eye to eye on any issue such as drinking, child rearing, or how to manage the family budget, it is a problem. I hope that your husband will be willing to talk with you and hear your concerns about his behavior at parties and about the example he sets for the children with his drinking. It is wise to talk to your children about alcohol because they certainly will be confronted with choices and peer pressure as they get older. Please do not keep your concerns a secret.
Sincerely,
The staff of JFS
Jewish Family Service provides counseling and social services in a confidential environment. Call 356-4234 for more information, or write to us at JFS Family Matters, 801 Percy Warner Blvd., Nashville, TN 37205 or info@jfsnashville.org to submit a question for this column.